Deborah Halpern, Communications Director for the non-profit National Family Caregiver's Association, urges that caregiving your parent is not a one-person job or burden. Instead, you should have a family team that includes friends and neighbors, each with a role and responsibility in the caregiving process. There must be a ringleader, according to Halpern, who contacts each family member with the invitation or challenge to "step up to the plate and help."
Consider the team concept as akin to hiring for different jobs in a company. Everyone is good at something, while he or she may be inept or less than qualified in another task or field. When several family members are involved, even for just a few hours each week, the burden on the primary caregiver is reduced significantly. Sharing responsibilities also brings more family members into active contact, sharing, support, monitoring, understanding and visiting with Mom or Dad. 2. Talk with Your Parent
Discuss freely with your elderly parent his or her current needs, limitations and concerns, stating your positive belief and commitment to providing the services and assistance to maintain independence and activity while also fulfilling medical and other needs. 3. Consult with Medical Practitioners
Meet with physicians and other medical providers to learn their concerns and suggestions. 4. Bring the Family Together
Stage a potluck dinner or other gathering to bring all possible family, friends and neighbors together. Define a mission or program to maintain your parent's independence, activity and medical needs. From the session with your parent and then medical practitioners, have a prepared list of tasks that need to be covered, such as helping on meal preparation, driving to and from medical appointments, assisting on household chores, or visiting on a regular basis for personal chats -- then make task assignments accordingly. 5. Identify Community Services
There are many professional and volunteer services available in every region of the United States, with information and coordination provided by the Area Agency on Aging (look in your local phone book for contact information. Every community has an Area Agency on Aging, and this federally-mandated organization is staffed by professionals who know every elder program and service in your area.) Halpern recommends: "Reaching out and asking for help is never a sign of weakness; rather it demonstrates strength and a keen awareness of abilities and sense of self."
The family team concept in caregiving offers effective and unique opportunities for observing and identifying physical, mental or emotional changes in your parent. The primary caregiver may not recognize subtle changes, while a family member who assists for a few hours each week may quickly identify changes and can share them with the caregiving team. The family plan can be adjusted accordingly, professional counsel can be sought and/or support changes can be made to keep your parent independent, active and positive.
Everyone in your family caregiving group should be legally able to ask questions and receive information from medical providers, from physicians to pharmacists, physical therapists to visiting nurses. Today, under the federal HIPAA law, a legal authorization must be signed by Mom or Dad for each of the family members who are authorized to discuss their care with healthcare providers. Medical professionals can provide the necessary forms at no cost. There should be a Durable Power of Attorney legal document executed in which your parent names one or more family members who have authority to make medical decisions if the patient cannot. Yet another document to be prepared and signed by your parent states whether to continue life support if the physician's prognosis is that the patient is determined to be terminal without it, without hope of recovery. This step removes the burden from family members on whether to pull the plug when the only outcome is terminal. It is a gift your parent can give to supportive family members. 8. Seek Financial Advice
Your parent's financial and property assets, including any debts or obligations, should be listed and defined, including the source of each and every document. The documents should not be stored in a safe deposit box at a financial institution unless at least one family member's name is also added to the box ownership. Failing such a co-ownership, on the death of your parent, the bank will not open the safe deposit box. Period. Your parent should have a legal will in effect and be a "self-proving document." The latter is achieved when the parent, witnesses and notary public are together at the same time to witness each other's signatures. Such a will cannot be challenged effectively in probate. If the estate is simple and the budget is tight, head for www.nolo.com to order either Nolo's Simple Will Book plus CD, for $36.99 or the Quicken WillMaker Plus book and CD, $44.99. You don't need to know a thing about wills because both programs ask you questions for fill-in response and then print the completed, legally valid and effective will. 9. Know Your Loved Ones' Wishes for Final Disposition
Another great gift from the parent to the family is a pre-determination and even pre-funding of a final disposition after death. Careful planning and funding now can avoid almost-frantic decisions, which often end up costing more if family members must address such issues at the time the parent dies. 10. Watch the Caregiver's Emotional and Physical Health
The emotional and physical health of the lead caregiver should be a top concern for the rest of the family. There should be offers to provide relief time for the caregiver. This can include coverage so that the lead caregiver can get out to dinner, movie or a walk in the fresh air. Without such relief, the physical and mental toll can be heavy on the lead caregiver.
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